9 replies to this topic

[Bernie]

The estranged wife and I are going through a separation. If I could get a divorce right now, I would. Instead I've got to wait 12 months. "Our" son was 10 when I met his mother; he is 21 now. So, naturally, he "on" his mother's side. A couple of weeks ago I wrote him a letter. The bulk of the letter was my perspective and I gave him the choice to read it or not. It is not fair for his mother or I to put him in the middle; but he is old enough to choose for himself. Yesterday I got an email from The Bitch (as I now call her):

Quote

You need to stop telling my son your bullpopsnizzle.

I've been missing him recently and that email gives me hope that he read the letter.

[Thain Esh Kelch]

THe question is why she knows - Did she read the letter and he didnt, or did he choose to share the contents? The latter is of course only something you would know, given the contents of the letter..

I hope you go through well, it is a tough periode.

[the Battle Cat]

Was it a snail mail and does he live separate from his mother?  Is she the kind of person that would go through someone's mailbox while they are at work?  I ask this to determine the possibility that he didn't actually read the message and that it was intercepted.  Only a response from the son will answer that definitively.

[Bernie]

Snail mail to his address, not her address. If she had intercepted it, I think I would have got her rant two weeks ago. Speaking of the rant, it continues! There have been three more emails today.

[Thain Esh Kelch]

Wow... Impressive. Clearly sounds like you should stop replying and/or reading them..

[the Battle Cat]

Don't reply to them.  Put her address into the junk mail filter so you won't see them, get pissed, and send a heated reply.  You don't want to give her lawyer any fuel.

[Eric5h5]

the Battle Cat, on 13 January 2012 - 01:24 PM, said:

You don't want to give her lawyer any fuel.

Sure you do, it makes them easier to set on fire.

--Eric

[Matt Diamond]

I hesitate to weigh in here; you've probably gotten a lot of unsolicited advice, but I must mention a thing I heard about on This American Life called "collaborative divorce". Basically the lawyers agree that if the divorce goes to trial they have to give up the case, give it to someone else. So they don't have as much of an incentive to squeeze the other party (or the process) and instead are more willing to cut deals and search for common ground. It doesn't magically make the process a happy one, they are careful to point out, but can stop it from escalating.

Not knowing anything about your situation I cannot say that this applies to your situation, or is right for you, assuming you even have any choice in the matter. So don't feel like you have to explain your position. I just wanted to mention this in general because I liked the idea, as a opposed to the usual adversarial process.

To anyone who is curious about it, here is the transcript of the show. Search down to "Act Three". It's not long.
http://www.thisameri.../339/transcript

Hang in there, hope things turn around for you at some point.

[Bernie]

Thanks for the words, everybody. Each day that passes makes it easier to deal with her. (Or is that the cold medicine making me drowsy?) I laugh & ignore her rants.

For my life in general, things have already turned around. Just looking forward to putting a period on the ugly situation between her and I.

[the Battle Cat]

That's the thing Bernie.  Let her wallow in her anger and hate.  It's there because of the guilt she feels for the way she has treated you.  She is paying for it now.  You on the other hand are free as a bird from all that, your life is picking up and things are looking good again.  At 42 you may feel old, but damn boy what I could do with those 21 years of age difference.  You have a lot to look forward to.